I stand in the small graveyard reading the same words I have read on this day for the last thirty years. Juliana Elizabeth Nesmith January 15, 1943-May 20, 1970 Beloved Wife, Mother, and Friend. The sun glares off the rose colored granite but luckily I have my sunglasses on to block it out. Not only that, but they block the  tears in my eyes, too. I always try to be strong and not shed a tear but it never turns out that way.

I remember so clearly the day I met Juliana. One warm August day in 1968, her car died in front of the house my three friends and I were living in. We pushed it into the driveway and my friend, Micky, and I checked it out. I couldn't keep my mind on the car. She stood near me, asking questions about what we were doing. Her long brown hair was pulled back from her face in a ponytail and her green eyes sparkled with life it seemed. She was the prettiest girl I had ever met. 
 
In payment for fixing the car, she made us dinner that evening. It was the start of a beautiful friendship between the five of us. I asked her on a date one night after about a month and from then on, she and I were inseparable. We took walks on the beach in the moonlight, picnicked in the park on warm Sunday afternoons and talked about what we wanted out of life.
 
She spent that Christmas with us since she was all alone. Her parents had passed away not long before we met. On Christmas Eve, we enjoyed a nice meal, sang Christmas songs, and played games till it was time for bed. When the guys said their goodnights and had gone to bed, Juliana and I sat on the couch admiring the twinkling lights on the tree. I felt an overwhelming need to ask her to marry me although I rarely do anything without thinking it through completely first. I would realize why later.
 
"Juliana," I said quietly as I took her hand.
 
She turned from the tree with a smile but when she saw the look on my face, her smile faded some.
 
"I love you and I've been thinking about something."
 
"What is it?" she cautiously asked.
 
"I..will..will you marry me," I stammered. There, I had asked. I waited for what felt like forever for her answer, fearing the worst.
 
A smile spread across her face and my heart began to beat again. She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me.
 
"Yes. Yes, Mike. I'll marry you."
 
I felt like yelling, jumping, crying and dancing. I had never been happier in my life. We made love for the very first time that night, the Christmas lights giving the room a very romantic glow. We didn't care that there were people sleeping just steps away from us.
 
When we turned off the Christmas lights and she slipped my shirt on, I put my jeans back on and we went upstairs to the room I shared with Micky, giggling all the way. We were as quiet as we could possibly be as we climbed in my bed. We couldn't quit laughing and kissing.

"Isn't it enough I had to listen to you two when you were downstairs? Now I have to listen to it up here too?" Micky said from somewhere deep under his covers.
 
We stopped and were perfectly quiet for a few moments and then started laughing again.
 
"Sorry, Mick," I said.
 
"Should we tell him?" Juliana whispered.
 
"No. It's our secret till morning," I answered and kissed her before she turned around and scooted close to me. I held her close to me that night and every night after that.
 
We were married on Valentine's Day in a small ceremony on the beach with just our friends and my mom. Peter's girlfriend, Valerie, stood beside Juliana as her maid of honor and Micky was my best man. 
 
We didn't have much money, so we all decided that Juliana and I would live at the beach house. We did some rearranging and she and I took the upstairs bedroom while Micky moved into Peter and Davy's room. We got along well with only little arguments, just like a family. After all, that's what we were, family.
 
When autumn came around, Juliana started feeling sick and she tired easily. I started getting concerned and called for a doctor's appointment. I went with her and waited as the doctor examined her. We had to wait a week to find out the results from the tests he had done. I was a nervous wreck that week and when the call finally came, Dr. White asked us to come back to his office.
 
We sat across from the young doctor who was probably not more than five years older than I was. We held tight to each other's hand, fearing the worst and hoping for the best. As it turned out, we got both.
 
"Mr. and Mrs. Nesmith, I have the results of the tests I ran last week," Doctor White said as he looked at the file on his desk. He looked up at us and I wasn't sure what to make of the expression on his face. 
 
"First, you are going to have a baby."
 
A baby! I couldn't believe my ears. It was the one thing I hadn't even considered. I squeezed Juliana's hand and looked at her. "A baby."
 
She was smiling and nodding her head, tears of joy in her eyes. "A baby," she confirmed.
 
Then I remembered the doctor had said `first'. That meant there was something else. I looked at him with questioning eyes.
 
"What else?"
 
He looked at his desk as if it would be able to help him answer me, hen he looked up and what I saw in his eyes scared me.
 
"I'm sorry to have to tell you, but," he then looked at Juliana. "You have cancer."
 
Cancer. The word alone was enough to make me sick to my stomach. It felt as if the world was caving in around me. I couldn't even hear what he was saying to Juliana as he was telling her about it.
 
"What are my treatment options?" I finally heard her ask.
 
"There are two options but neither of them are good." The doctor sighed and continued. "If we treat the cancer, the baby will not survive. If we don't treat the cancer, the baby will most likely be fine but..."
 
"I won't," Juliana finished for him.
 
"I'm sorry," he said sympathetically.
 
I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit someone or something. How could this be? I was in love with the most wonderful woman in the world and she was having my baby and I was sitting there hearing that I could only have one of them for the rest of my life. It was so unfair. How could a person make a choice like that?
 
"The way I see it, there is no option," Juliana said with determination. "I won't be taking the treatments."
 
What! my brain screamed. I looked at her in disbelief. How could she just make that decision without asking me how I felt about it? But when I thought about it, it was the only option. How could I be selfish and not let an innocent little baby have a chance at life, even if it was a life without a mother.
 
We left the doctors office and went for a walk on the beach before going home. We talked, cried, laughed, and cried some more and finally went in to tell the guys our bittersweet news. We gathered them in the living room along with Valerie.
 
"What did the doctor say?" Micky asked.
 
I looked at Juliana and squeezed her hand. She nodded to me and I looked back at my friends.
 
"We are going to have a baby," I said, giving them a chance to be happy about our news before I told them our other news.
 
"A baby!" Peter repeated excitedly. Then everyone seemed to talk at once and offer their congratulations. Until Davy noticed I wasn't quite as joyous as everyone else.
 
"What is wrong, Mike?" he asked me with concern.
 
Everyone quieted down and I gave them the sad news.
 
"Juliana has." I looked at her for strength. I didn't want to say those words out loud. That would make them true and I sure didn't want that. She smiled at me and gave my hand a squeeze. "Juliana has cancer."
 
You could have heard a pin drop. No one knew what to say or do. Finally, Micky stood and gave her a hug and with teary eyes said, "They can treat it, right?" I think he knew already that they couldn't.
 
Juliana shook her head sorrowfully. "No, not without hurting the baby. I chose not to take the treatments to save the baby."
 
Life went on but we all seemed to make a point to enjoy the little things more than we did before; the way the tide came in and made designs on the beach, the way the birds sounded in the morning, the smell of the ocean at dusk.
 
Christmas came around again and as Juliana and I sat alone together after the others had gone to bed, she called my name. I went to her on the couch as fast as I could.
 
"What is it?"
 
She smiled up at me, her hand resting lightly on her slightly protruding tummy.
 
"The baby moved. Feel," she said taking my hand and placing it where hers had been. I felt a movement under my hand. The emotions I felt were indescribable; joy, fear, awe all at the same time.
 
"I felt it," I was finally able to say. We sat for a long time on the couch that night talking about what we wanted for our child's future. 
 
Time went on with Juliana becoming weaker and more tired as the days wore on and I was becoming more frightened. I wasn't ready to go on without her and I knew the time was coming soon. Everyone helped her out when they could. Valerie moved in with us so she could help out, too. Juliana was determined to make it through labor and delivery to see our baby. I knew she would.
 
The day finally came in May when she said it was time to go. I paced the floor in the hospital waiting room for what seemed like forever. Finally, a nurse came through the doors and told me I had a daughter.
 
"What about Juliana?" I asked hesitantly. 

"She's weak but she's still with us. She wants to talk to all your friends and then she wants you with her." The nurse smiled a knowing smile at me and patted my arm. Even though she was a complete stranger, it was comforting anyway.
 
One by one everyone went to talk with Juliana. After Valerie talked to her, she came to me and said I could go. I stepped inside the white, sterile room and saw my wife and daughter on the bed. Juliana looked so tired, dark circles under her eyes and she could barely hold the baby.
 
"Hi," I said quietly and sat down on the bed with her. I looked at the baby girl in Juliana's arms.
 
"She's beautiful, isn't she?" 
 
"Yes. She is." I looked at Juliana. Even though she was so weak and tired, she beamed with pride and happiness.
 
"I made it through to see her. Just like I said I would."
 
I couldn't say anything. I just put my arm around her and hugged her.
 
"I asked Valerie to help you look after the baby. If you ever need anything, let her know. I know it won't be easy to raise her by yourself," Juliana said.
 
"I'll manage."
 
"I know you will. Just be sure to ask for help when you need it."
 
I kissed the top of her head and nodded my agreement.
 
Juliana laid the baby down on her legs. It was becoming too hard for her to find strength and she put her head on my shoulder.
 
"Remember that I love you and let her know how much I loved and wanted her," she said, the tears falling down her cheeks.
 
I held her close and my tears came too. "I will. I love you, too. I'll always love you."
 
"I put my wedding ring in the wooden box under our bed. It's for her. All the things in the box are for her. Give it to her when she's older," Juliana said.
 
I couldn't talk so I just nodded. I was about to lose the woman I loved. The emotion was almost too much to handle but I didn't want to break down in front of her. I wanted to be strong for her. I leaned down and kissed her lips gently.
 
"I love you so much," she said quietly through her tears. She put her head back on my shoulder and I hugged her tight. She was slipping away and I could feel it.
 
"I love you, too." I struggled to keep from crying. I don't know how long we stayed in each others arms but I knew when I felt her body relax that she was gone. I held her body and cried like I had never cried before. When the tears were gone, I picked up my sleeping daughter and walked to the window. I really looked at her for the first time then. She was beautiful, just like her mother.
 
"I think I'll name you Julia, after your mother, sweet baby."
 
Our friends and family stood here in this spot a few days later to say goodbye to a woman we all loved. Julia and I have come here every year at this time since. As she got older, she would go to the car and wait while I had some time alone. My time alone is over now and as I walk back to the car where Julia is waiting, I think back on the years with her. 
 
She was a happy little girl, even though she didn't have a mother like all the other little girls she still was happy and well adjusted. She was a good student in school, that is until fifth grade. I started getting notes from the teacher telling me that Julia was acting up in class or not doing her homework. Valerie finally realized what was going on when Julia was staying with her and Peter while I had a meeting with the teacher.
 
The teacher was a nice single young woman and Julia thought she and I would make a nice couple. She was doing those things to get the teacher and me together. I was amazed that she would do something like that. She had never tried to find me a date before but she had seen something in her teacher that she liked. And when I met her, so did I. Lisa and I have been married for fifteen years now. I have thanked Julia many times since then.
 
"Ready to go?" Julia asks me as I get into the car.
 
"Yeah, I'm ready." I smile at her. She looks so much like her mother that I feel like Juliana is still with us in a way.
 
We arrive back at my house in a short time and when we walk in the front door, a little dark haired girl with green eyes runs into Julia's arms. I watch her as she wraps her arms around the girl, her daughter; my granddaughter, Juliana's and mine. I wish she were here to enjoy her.
 
"Dad," I hear from the hallway and turn to see my son come to me as I remove my sunglasses and place them on the entry table. "Ron wants to know if you will teach him to play the guitar."
 
"Sure, I'll talk to him about it."
 
Eric smiles and goes to use the phone, I'm sure to tell his friend Ron the good news. I go into the kitchen to give Julia and her husband some time together. 
 
"Hi, honey."
 
Lisa is at the sink washing pots and pans. She has cooked a good  meal to celebrate Julia's birthday as we do every year. I go to her and kiss her cheek.
 
"Hi. Is it time to eat?"
 
"Yes, we were just waiting for you to get back. Are you okay?" She has always been understanding at this time of year.
 
"I'm fine."
 
I hear the others coming into the kitchen and look up to see my youngest daughter, Amber, carrying Julia's baby. What a picture it makes. I am truly blessed. Thirty years ago I wasn't sure if I'd ever be this happy. Sometimes things just have a way of working out for the best.